Monthly Archives: September 2011

If you’re doing drugs, you have too much time on your hands.

Just ask yourself, do you think Oprah has time to shoot dust? I know what you’re thinking, somehow Charlie Sheen has the time…

I know what you’re thinking now, I must have too much time because I blog. Well, it’s not killing me. It might make my eyes drowsy but I’m probably gaining a few brain cells.

When you think of a drug addict you think of a bum (or do you think of Martha Stewart?). The key is to not start doing drugs or you’ll be hooked. Why do you think I never tried coke? Because I was already on heroin and that was enough!

I’ve sympathized with druggies because I know they can’t stop and need it and can’t help but be controlled by the drugs (sometimes depression controls you – I can relate, but drugs are bad, bad. Stop it.) There are so many other things you could be doing. I know it’s hard but wouldn’t you rather have a successful career making the big bucks so you can afford that meth lab, I mean designer pair of jeans? And pot is a drug too. Just because everyone does it, doesn’t mean skanks. Party on. Pour the whiskey tall and high.


Why do little, sweet, young, famous girls always turn out to be whores?

Or drug addicts? Or both?

It’s just bound to happen. I mean we aren’t surprised anymore. They think they are shocking us by having sex and wearing boots with mini skirts in the winter. Give me a break. Britney, Christina red lips, Lindsay Lohan, Regis Philbin (who am I? David Letterman?), Justin Bieber..etc. Have a shot of whiskey Paris Hilton. Keep your thong on.

If you’re dressing that way you’re just asking for it, stupid girls that roam Chipewa In downtown Buffalo looking for a boy wearing a popped collar.

Hi. I’m Madonna and I’ll do anything for attention.

All my body parts are in place but I sleep in a bag full of KY Jelly mixed with Dove conditioner and Target brand baby oil. I kiss girls on live television that are more than half my age. I want people to talk about me forever. I “write” children’s books. I change religions more than I change my underpants.

People don’t really have to work too hard anymore to get famous. Go on reality tv, post a video on YouTube of you doing something stupid, attend a national whiskey drinking contest…..the list goes on.

If you’ve been heartbroken, don’t worry, that guy will come back to you once he uses his single phone call to call you to bail him out of prison. Then, you’ll be together forever. He will change. After being together forever you will probably dump him.

Some boys’ attention spans are shorter than Lady Gaga’s shwang. Yes, I was thinking of Charlie Sheen too. Bottoms up whiskey.

If he is really in prison, don’t bail him out (unless innocent and you can prove it with your Nancy Drew skills [who is Nancy Drew; I’m too young to know her.]) let him stay there and read the bible 85 times. Then he will probably change. Just look at how religious Tom Cruise and Mel Gibson are. They’re practically gods themselves.

Going out with anxiety tonite. Why does fear always have to join? What a third wheel.

If you’re anything like me you are full of anxiety (and whiskey). After that feeling comes fear and that’s awesome.

I’m afraid of blogs, people that write are crazy. That’s it. Just write the first piece of crap that comes to your head. Am I one to hand out advice? No, not really, but I think we should be more like Sharon Osbourne. She’s only nasty when she needs to be and sweet the rest of the time. (how do I know, I don’t know her). Don’t be afraid of that scary old neighbor (yes, I just saw that episode of Modern Family where Luke isn’t afraid of the scary old neighbor but his parents are) or Snooki throwing your underpants at you.

Everything will be okay. Now that’s a comforting statement even when you know it’s sometimes not true.

Yeah KIA, nice marketing campaign. I so want to buy your vehicles because hip hop hamsters drive them.

Hamsters are cute. Hip hop isn’t and never will be even if you add “lil” in front of your name. Hamsters do not belong in cars. I think the whole animal thing works for Geico, but not you, KIA. Seriously a Geico commercial just came on. Holy hits of whiskey. You can pretty much get away without the sidekicks. Just drive a car around and play some indie music like Phoenix or Bloc Party. If you really can’t sell anything, use a look-a-like Kim Kardasian like how Old Navy did then get sued by her.